I’d gone to the beach to get away. Rented a home for the week, all alone, to let the waves of salt water and the biting breeze of sand clear out my brain. Instead things got worse. For months I’d felt lost, confused, and hot. My skin felt tight and I could literally feel an electrical current running under my skin. I constantly felt flushed but when I saw my face in the mirror I just looked like I hadn’t slept in days. Which I hadn’t. So to the beach I ran.

Once there I thought I would just spend my time relaxing, reading, taking long walks. I was giving myself a mental holiday. So why did it all feel worse? And today–today it was worse than normal. I hadn’t slept all night, despite laying in bed. I had completely memorized all the cracks and bumps in the ceiling above my bed. So I got up with the sun rise, and walked around the house, preparing to go for a walk in the small beach town where I’d rented my house. I was headed to the door when suddenly everything went haywire. I blinked away a hot flash and when my eyes heavily came open once again every object in the entry way was hanging in the air–tilting this way and that as if controlled by inept puppeteers. Heavy shadows seemed to gravitate towards me and I lifted my hands up to protect myself from the flying objects. That was when I realized I was the inept puppeteer. Every object jerked towards me. I ducked but still the objects came at me. I moved my hands down to my sides, holding them tight to me–praying this made everything go back where it belonged.

It didn’t work.