So this week has been very weird and one chaotic ride of emotions – giving me a real run for my money but enlightening in seeing how much easier it is to cope with the insanity that is life once excessive stress is removed.

Monday I was fired from my job. There are lots of things I could say about it – but let’s just leave it at this – the entire three years I worked there I worked hard, I enjoyed my job immensely but it was the most stressful thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Monday afterwards was a haze of hysterical freak out crying. The depression voices were spouting their usual lies in the back of my brain and they were the only thing I could hear over the whir of anxiety flitting around my brain.

Yet I woke up Tuesday morning a whole new person. I no longer had to go somewhere I didn’t want to be. I had a door slammed in my face but instead of standing there staring at it wondering what the hell I was supposed to do now I turned around. And was pleasantly shocked to be reminded that the rest of the world was not as scary as I had remembered.

Everyone I met on Tuesday was so nice and friendly. I slogged around in the city, lost in the pouring and freezing rain, pretty sure I was going to be late. This situation generally would have precipitated in a full-blown panic attack. I didn’t even get the queasy stomach, or red blotches on my face. I was able to joke about it when I found where I was supposed to be with the jovial security guard. Later in the day running errands which included shopping for clothes – an act that generally leaves me depressed and overwhelmed, especially this time of year – left me upbeat. The cashier was cheerful and loved my purchases, wishing me a Happy Holidays with a smile and genuine care.

I then stayed up late into the night and early the next morning – and drove to the airport to pick up my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece. Let me tell you – it doesn’t matter how late it is or how tired you are, when you see that bright excited to see you smile of your five-year old niece your heart almost literally leaps from your chest. It’s a feeling I don’t have words for and am quite content to feel, knowing every Aunt in the world knows exactly what I’m talking about.

So now it’s Wednesday – half way through the week. Somehow I’ve already lost track of what day it is and am merely focused on the here and now. Of course right now I’ve been having a few stomach issues – thanks to some food I most likely shouldn’t have eaten. I should be in tears, upset and grumpy as is my usual wont when I’m sick. But I’m tired and content to just feel the emotions. To revel in the exhaustion. To revel in the comfort to be had by cuddling up with my little warm furbabies. The comfort of a weight lifted from my shoulders, a weight so heavy I am fascinated to remember how simple sickness can be when not overwhelmed by stress.

So right now, in this moment, it all feels very weird. Not bad. Just weird. I’m going to just go with it.  here-and-now

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